Letting Go Of My Birth Plan

When I was pregnant with Wells, I knew from the start I wanted a crunchy, natural birth. I tried my best to talk Ted into a home birth, but in the end we decided on going to a birth center. (Mainly because it was essentially free at the birth center -we ended up paying $40 total for prenatal, delivery, hospital stay, and c-section -and with a home midwife we would have paid at least a grand. Ted's all about the budget part of decision making so we met in the middle.) I went to reputable birth center on the mainline right outside Philadelphia. This center was a large practice and not my ideal situation looking back. There were so many midwife's on staff and no way of meeting each one even if you were to see a new midwife at each individual appointment. Seeing someone new each visit isn't personal or ideal for me.

After 68 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, we brought our son into the world via c-section. My c-section went without a hitch, thankfully. I nursed right after and never had a problem with bonding, initial latching, or my milk coming in. Recovery from surgery was pretty easy and I don't have any negative feelings. (I did take the pain meds guilt free.)

The day we found out we were moving to St. Thomas my mind start spinning with questions that were important to me like could I have VBAC on island if we were to become pregnant. Once we found out we were pregnant, we floated around between doctor's offices around the island and even thought about hiring a midwife from Florida. Each doctor slammed there foot on the floor with a gusty not one day over 40 weeks, scheduled c-section, induction is the only way, etc. I was left very discouraged and cried over the seemingly helpless situation among doctors on the island. I knew that hiring a midwife whom we would have to fly in, put up in housing, and pay for delivery service was kind of out of reach for us. It would be a huge risk, lots of money, and still a potential emergency situation on an island. Here on island, when someone is out sick there is no one to replace them. I have heard stories of women who needed emergency c-sections and the anesthesiologist wasn't at the hospital or one time they couldn't find the keys to the OR.

My fourth doctor on island met me with a plan. The plan wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but I heard the heart and effort she put behind it. She proposed keeping a very watchful eye on my weight gain and size of the baby since Wells was 9 pound 10 ounces and could not fit after trying and trying. She talked to me about exercises and getting baby in position, because maybe Wells would have fit if he wouldn't have been sunny side up with his chin tucked over his shoulder. All these variables made me end up with a c-section. She helped me understand what we can look for and what we can try to do our best to control like trying to grow a smaller baby. Yes, she and I both know I may just have genetically big babies. She didn't scare me with a scheduled c-section, but did explained a possible early induction.

If you would have told me all of this a year ago, two years ago, or five years ago, I would have laughed in your face and walked out the door. Induction, hell no. And initially I started forming plans to get the hell off this island in hopes of a possible natural birth plan even with possible c-section in mind. I wanted the chance of naturally going into labor, naturally laboring, and naturally delivering. I set out to go back to the states through a variety of ways, but in the end it all seemed a bit daunting. I would have to leave early without Ted so he wouldn't burn through his leave. Wells would have to adjust into a new temporary home. I'd have to find housing and transportation at which I pleaded with facebook for anyone who would consider a house switch with us for 6 to 8 weeks. Then, I would have to find a midwife/doctor that would be willing to accept me that late in the game and hopefully help me achieve my natural VBAC. In a perfect world, Ted would arrive before I went into labor and we would have a baby. After we had the baby, we would retreat to our temporary home for one week until we all would travel back to our home in St. Thomas where we would have to get settled finally at two weeks postpartum. I had a few hits on switching homes, but in the end I felt like it was too much for my little family. It could potentially be too much transitioning for Wells and my hormonal self. The two families that were open to switching also lived in places where we don't know anyone and everything would be new to us. Then, after returning home from this whirlwind of birthing, Ted would have to return to work instead of us adjusting at home together through the entire experience.

We made the big decision to stay on island to have our baby. We chose doctor number four who has been grilling me on my weight. I'm on track right now and just have been given orders only soup for dinner (meaning broth) for the remainder of my pregnancy. I am not starving, but I am not giving into my cravings and having to give up bread, sweets, and salt. (I just had my glucose test and I passed. No gestational diabetes.)

I know that ultrasounds can be 1 to 2 pounds off when judging babies weight and that no one can really tell how much the baby weighs inside the womb. I do know that with Wells, anyone on the street could have told you he was a big baby. Some even thought I was having triplets. I wasn't good at hiding my large baby. My belly was as far out as my legs extended to the floor and my upper body extended tall. I was huge and no wonder Wells was just shy of 10 pounds.

I would love to experience a VBAC. Here on island it is likely I will be induced whether at 38 weeks or 40. My doctor will let me try everything natural to get things going, but in the end I may be hooked up to all the cords and medical stuff that would make me puke and eye roll years ago. Somehow, I have found peace within my circumstance and accepting my options. If I am induced, I know that I have a likely chance of repeat c-section. But, if I'm not induced they will schedule a c-section. So, my options are to oblige or not show up for induction or c-section which I've seriously considered.

All this to say, my hearts desire this time around is to delivery vaginally with no (to minimal) tearing (that stuff freaks me out). I want my baby. I want my baby on my chest right after. I want the birth experience without c-section.

More than anything, I want my baby.

If that means another c-section than so be it, but I'm not giving up trying just yet.

Whatever happens, bring it.

I'm ready to be a mom of two.